By Howard Stanten MPT, CPCC
Previously, I wrote about my belief that we all have gifts to bring to the world.
I suggested that when we come to value and become connected to those gifts, “We are most prepared to get over our fine selves (and all the blaming, complaining, victim stories, and self-limiting beliefs that are holding us back) and into answering this question: “Who am I not to bring” my gifts to the world?
“Get over our fine selves.” Really? As a coach, if I ever heard a client say those words, I’d slow things way down and notice my client stepping past, over, or on some part of her/himself. I’d invite my client to explore the part of themselves they are rejecting.
Sure, if we box that part of ourselves into the context of, “… blaming, complaining, victim stories, and self-limiting beliefs that are holding us back,” as I did, there are not many gifts found there.
I made the mistake of making a point based on what we coaches like to call a collapsed distinction. It is true that The Victim in us likes to blame and complain. This part of us that seeks to be rescued or manipulate others into feeling sorry for us does not serve us in connecting to the gifts that live in our higher, best selves.
That’s not the whole story, though. The Victim is not simply something dark inside of us to best “get over.” It serves a higher purpose that calls on our higher, best selves to take responsibility.
The calling is for healing.
We all have an inner victim that was created by no fault of our own somewhere in the past by folks that had power over us. Folks that made us feel powerless, alone, unloved, disconnected, shame and abandoned. Blaming, complaining, and manipulating are responses we developed to take back the control that was taken from us.
When we take the time to listen to, rather than self-righteously “get over” our Victim Story, we will hear the call for healing.
This call is intended to be heard by the Responsible Adult, our best and highest self. This is a call to be treated with self-compassion founded on unconditional acceptance and love. Unconditional acceptance and love that was taken away when The Victim was first created. Unconditional acceptance and love that our Responsible Adult must choose to give first to ourselves if we are to be able to fully step into the magnificence of our gifts and the bringing of our gifts to the world.
Take responsibility for bringing your gifts to the world. Do so knowing that there is no part of yourself that needs to be left behind. Do so with the awareness that we also sometimes do the opposite and put our Victim in the driver’s seat. It’s not fair to ask a part of yourself that is calling for healing to take responsibility for your life. You’ll know when you’re doing this. The blaming and complaining, the use of emotion to manipulate others into rescuing and “loving” you, will be loud and clear.
We all have gifts to bring to the world. We can only do so in a sustainable way when we slow down enough to clear away the debris that is preventing us from listening to that part of ourselves calling for healing.
The Lesson: When we feel like we are being held back by our victim story, there is no “fine self” to “get over."
There is, however, a question to be answered.
“What needs to be healed?”
Howard Stanten CPCC,PCC and Erin Wright CPCC,PCC are Relationship Coaches helping couples, individuals, and teams bring the best of who they are and what they do to their relationships, and those they lead and serve.